Empathy Gap: Rollercoaster of our Emotions

Everyone has had topics where in a stable mental state one would believe that one would never react to an event the way one would actually react to it. When truly in that mental state one would probably react the way one believes they would, if they indeed stayed in that mental state. Though, when in that mentally unstable position, such as in a moment of anger, they may react in the absolute opposite way than they thought they would when they were in that calm stable mental state. Those moments are examples of what we call an empathy gap. The thought of the empathy gap is an educational contribution made by George Lowenstein to the studies on happiness. I will be speaking upon the studies of George Lowenstein and how I have experienced these events first hand.

George Lowenstein a psychologist and Economist contributed the “empathy gap” to the happiness studies. He produced an experiment on how we behave in hot states (ex. Sexual excitement, fear, and anxiety) and cold states (ex. Calmness). This resulted in the findings that we can’t seem to clearly predict how we would act in a so called “hot state” when we are in a “cold state”. It’s more of an act first think later reaction.
When I was seventeen I had gone to a church retreat. In that church retreat we had a contest of who can exceed at writing and singing a song in a group. We had about half an hour to an hour to write and rehearse the song. I have something called an anxiety disorder so when I heard that, I was put in a nervous state of mind. That state of mind ended when I started thinking, I have been on stage countless times and freelance danced, this won’t be that different. I went along, helped write the song, helped put the song together, and sang beautifully during rehearsal. I was calm and thought that this would be a piece of cake; I’m going to go on stage harmonize and then lead the second part of the song. I got on that stage and my anxiety (‘hot state”) just kicked in. I tried so hard to look past the crowd had no idea what had gotten into me. All those people staring at me, my legs started shaking, my hands started trembling and when it was my turn to lead no voice came out.

Growing up I was a pretty laid back person when it came to relationships until I went through a long term relationship where my ex cheated. Everyone told me that I was too nice and needed some attitude. I on the other hand, absolutely hated when I saw girls who would accuse guys of cheating on them and “investigated” on them. They seemed insecure and I never wanted to be one of them. I said that while I was in a calm state. Until about a week ago, my boyfriend usually lets me go through his phone where I looked at his pictures. I noticed many pictures of the girl he used to date with him, many of her baby pictures and her sleeping. I’m not one to be jealous but seeing that just felt wrong. I spoke to a couple of girls and they said that I should either delete them or confront him. Stating a guy should not have so many pictures of a girl he dated around, it may mean that he still has strong feelings for her and he’s not able to let them go. I jumped into a hot state, I went through a phase of anger, fear and anxiety. I finally confronted him. At first he thought I was jealous and so I finally explained to him how I really felt and why I felt that way. I explained my past and how I didn’t think it was right having her pictures. I asked him how he would feel if I had pictures of me and my previous significant others. Once I calmed down again I decided I was not going to force him to delete them, it was his choice. In result he deleted them and the fact that I was his first official girlfriend and first person to meet his family put me back in my "cold state". I went through a roller coaster of hot and cold states in this experience.

Everyone has different views on how they would react towards a certain situation. It is not until one is actually in that situation that they will truly notice how they would deal with it.


~Diana Guevara